Switch

Some days I wanna believe it isn't true.
Actually, most part of the day.

Have you ever experience going to the toilet, sit there for long,
and unconsciously think about something that really bothers you?

How about when you are staring outside the car window during a long ride? Does it all comes out like a heavy rain without a warning?

Too many times I've tried so hard to keep it out of my mind.
I always believe that I can turn it off like a switch.

MEMORIES. FLASHBACKS. REMINDERS. EVERYTHING.

I use to go on a shower with those thoughts in my mind.
Like there's a voice in the back of my head that keeps on narrating what happened over and over again.

And I'm this poor reader of the book who cried over a very bad ending and is imagining how I would want the story to end.

I'm the kind of person who catches every good moment.
Putting wonderful memories in black and white.
Capturing life in a photograph.

And when something like this come to you.
You just wanna delete the part of you that is sentimental.
You wanna shut down a part of your brain. Erase those memories.
Forget it. Locked down somewhere inside your subconscious mind.
And hoping, praying that it may not bother you again. EVER again.

One shot

Some days are good
Some days are better
Some days I guess were easier
But not a day without a grief.

All day I was fine.
Then there's this one shot in the head and I suddenly find myself looking up again on google.

When will I ever stop finding reasons?
When will I ever find peace?
I know I can never have her back

You are Everywhere

Wherever I go
Wherever I look
I can see you
You are everywhere to me.

I was walking on the street
Rode a vehicle
I looked out on the window
And see your face

I put on some make -up
Wore my lipstick on
I smiled at the mirror
And I saw your face

I was at the supermarket
Then Christmas songs were played
My eyes went teary
As I imagined your face

I am painting some flowers
Some trees and mountains too
And after all the colors
I name it all for you

I went to bed
I closed my eyes
I heard my heart so beating loud
It longs for you

I can't pretend
I cannot lie
I'm not okay as days go by
I miss you more each passing day
This heart of mine will always love

You.

All Soul's Day

This is not how I perceived Halloween.

I should have you in my arms while we visit your grandmother.

I was supposed to tell mom on her grave... "Mom, look. Here's Mavis. She's so pretty right?"

I am so disheartened by the fact that I just visited you the other night.
31st of October. Brought you some very cheap flowers and a little candle.

You are supposed to be here dressed up like a little bunny, pumpkin or fairy. Or you can just be you.

I miss you Mavis.

I am praying for your soul.

Your grandma and uncle are with you. You shouldn't be sad.

I love you Mavis.

You will always be remembered.
Not just today.
But everyday.

Because I'm your mother.
It is my responsibility to protect your memory.

Storage Room

I have a storage room.

Located inside my heart. There's an amazing shortcut from my mind.

It has everything I have that I don't even need.

I started keeping all those emotions.
Grief. Sadness. Pain.

In a box is where I put in all the trouble, nightmares, anxiety and depression.

A barrel is where my tears were hidden. Locked up like wine that will get sweeter as years go over.

There are people. Yes.
People that I have to locked inside too.

Babies. Toddlers. Pregnant women.

They won't do me any good.

People. Bad or good.
With comments sometimes rude.

Things. Yes. Baby stuff.
The onesies I bought all in pink.
Three pairs of shirt and pajama.
Those to keep her warm and safe.

Bottles. Pins. Pacifiers.

There's too many.
My storage room is full.

It's pretty dark inside.
I can't even remember some things I kept and hide.

One day. Maybe. I may need them again. But some, I know. I just have to throw them away.

My storage room.
Locked up.
Full.

Random Thoughts and Feelings

So many thoughts in my head. Too many random thoughts in which I can't figure out which one is actually helping me out or what. I'm such a loser in organizing thoughts in my brain. So I know, what I ought to do is to write words not from my mind but from my heart.

I am so overwhelmed with too many random feelings. Too many random emotions that my mind is just like a blank space in a piece of paper.

See how messed up my mind is? I can't even put my feelings into words.
This is what I feel. Messed up. Crowded. Disorganized.

I need to clear up my mind.
I need to clear up my heart.

And I will tell you my story.